NOTE: This is the second in a series dedicated to understanding our need for belonging and connection in an everchanging social landscape.

Last week, I shared a couple of thoughts about our need to connect with others and fulfill that deep human need to belong. This week compares and contrasts belonging throughout our lifespan.

How has belonging changed in our modern world? At least in many western cultures, and I can only speak for my little part of the United States and what I learn from others. Here's the short version:

Belonging isn't as simple as it used to be.

Here's the longer version:

Connection as Children

When we are born, we belong to a family (usually). We go to school; we have classmates and some of those classmates might become lifelong friends. We may live in a neighborhood and get to know and interact regularly with our neighbors.

We may go off to college or the military or straight into the workplace. Many have temporary and often lifelong friendships from these situations. If we are part of a faith community, a large part of our social network may spring from that.

As we grow, a large number of our close friends may come from our participation in interest groups such as ballet or soccer or drama or chess clubs.

Adult Connection

The same applies as adults when we meet people at sports meetups like bowling or yoga or running. Or special interests like music, photography, book clubs, hiking, art, camping or motorcycling.

The one thing I notice about these patterns is that as children, we are placed in certain groups by default, and in most cases, we automatically belong.

A baby belongs in a family it is born into. A child belongs in school because that's what normal. Most kids don't get up and decide whether or not they want to go to school. They go because it's the norm and it's expected.

As we age, the groups we are a part of are more or less choices, rather than taken for granted. When choice comes into play, any group we are now a part of comes with some level of decision.

Let's Be Friends

My husband has often remarked that it seems a lot harder to make friends as an adult. He says, "How do I find new friends as a grown up? Walk up to random strangers and say, "Hi, my name is Danny. Do you want to be my friend?""

I guess you could do that, but most people might think that approach is a little odd. Danny and I have discussed our respective experiences in the US Air Force as 20-somethings. Again, it seemed much easier to make friends then. But again, as when we were kids, we were thrust into a situation with others.

It was conducive to get to know the other members of the group as we have a major life circumstance in common. And we were often a group within a greater community that was unfamiliar, with which we had less in common.

When we are kids, school IS our work, so we generally have more free time for play and socializing than we do as adults. Plus, as children, many things are taken care of for us to varying degrees and we usually don't have the same level of stress. And I'm sure many of you will agree, kids seem to have a lot more energy then than those of us in midlife and beyond!

Meet Ups

Let's revisit the idea of how adults are meeting people. A good example is an adult of any age without children in the home. How are they making new friends? Most likely work is their highest touch point for meeting people, and we've already discussed this may or may not be an opportunity for lasting friendships. So, your work may or may not give you a sense of belonging.

Next, we look outside of work. What else gives a sense of belonging? Family of origin may or may not provide that. Some people have large enough families in close physical proximity that they can get all their belonging needs met within that unit and rarely or never feel the need to search beyond it.

But that is not the case for many of us, especially as extended families have both shrunk and scattered long distances away from their epicenter.

NEXT TIME: The emergence of Belong groups and Circles and how to find your people and make connections without feeling like you're joining some sort of cult.

In the pursuit,

Betsy

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