NOTE: This is the first in a series dedicated to understanding our need for belonging and connection in an everchanging social landscape.

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Group Effort

I had an interesting conversation with a friend recently, in which she shared she's been feeling a bit overwhelmed lately. The biggest contributors to the overwhelm are the demands of a couple of group activities she's participating in.

Reading and prework, actual group time, travel time (these are in-person groups), plus a fulltime job and a fulltime life combined have become too much. It's leaving her a bit burned out and feeling like she doesn't have time for herself, to do anything extra - or simply be.

She's planning to take a break as the groups naturally come to an end and then not join anything else for the time being. She shared that although it will be a relief when these groups are finished, she's also a bit nervous about NOT having the groups. "Why?", I asked. "Because when I don't participate in groups, I don't belong."

Group Think

Her response surprised me but was also the beginning flicker of a light bulb slowing coming to life. This statement was the key to unlocking an idea that has been percolating in my mind for some time now. I just didn't know how to put it into words.

I have felt this same way over the past few years. One by one, groups I had previously been a part of had fallen out of my life for one reason or another. I stopped attending my church a few years ago with the intent of finding a new church when the time (and the church) was right. Neither of those have come to pass, but the friendships and relationships I built over two decades there HAVE passed.

Group Run

The next group to fall was my running connections. For 10 years, running was my life, nearly my complete identity. Running fulfilled nearly all of my social, mental and physical needs. I was a social runner, attending weekly pub runs with post-run beer and socializing. I participated in track and hill workouts with various groups. Saturday long runs were the highlight of the week, featuring deep conversations, adventures and breakfast. Sunday Dunkin' runs were the perfect way to round out the week with running friends and a nice cup of coffee.

Not only was I a runner, but I was also a running coach, working with private clients and community training groups. I was an active member of the local running club and its board, volunteering for races and attending meetings.

A Running Joke

I used to joke that if it wasn't for running, I wouldn't have any friends. That statement was funny until it became a reality. I definitely had all my social eggs in one basket and in the two years since I began phasing out of running activities, the friendships have all but dried up. Even friendships I thought would surely transcend the sport have fizzled.

It's been a tough couple of years. A LOT of tears shed and numerous coaching and therapy sessions later, I still feel sad quite often due the feeling of loss that has accompanied my plummeting social connections. One of my chief complaints has been "If I'm not doing something, I don't have any friends!" It's very similar to the quote I shared previously, "When I don't participate in groups, I don't belong."

At first blush, it sounds like a childish statement, and to be honest, my ongoing sadness about the subject has felt rather immature. Immature, but oh so raw and real. I'm lonely and I know I'm not alone in feeling this way. That sounds like such a contradiction in terms. Maybe all the lonely people could form a group, but then if they no longer felt lonely, maybe they'd have nothing in common and the group would break up. What a self-perpetuating situation that would be!

The Need to Belong

Why do we have such a deep need to belong? Why are we willing to invest all our resources and energies to get it and keep it? As humans, we are hardwired for connection. (see Maslow's Heirarchy of needs) We seek connection because when we belong, we are safe. When we are inside the circle of belonging, we have protection and our needs are being met, we are comfortable.

When we are outside the circle of belonging, feel other than or that we don't belong, our sense of connection and safety is severed. We feel alone, exposed, untethered and vulnerable. We have to meet our own needs and no longer enjoy the safety and security resources afforded by the group.

NEXT WEEK: How do we begin to understand our needs and cultivate a sense of belonging in our lives as we stand outside the circle?

In the pursuit,

Betsy

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